when they don’t take care of shit while you’re out. 

nigga, you’ve been here for like, a week and don’t have to go to work.

why haven’t you cleaned the fucking dishes?

Two more finals. 

I passed todays with ease, didn’t even study for tomorrows. But will when I wake up. 

all the hard work paid off. 

Now after this week, I will be on my way. 

Take the ptcb, get certified, wait for my license and boom. Set for the rest of my life. No more school. 

Feels good to work this hard and be done.

2 years ago, 18, or 19 i’d be more impulsive. 

But now I’m 20 going 21 soon, and I sit back and think.

Think if whatever it is that would usually bother me is worth my time and energy. 

Example of that is when someone gets defensive over a thing that is not something to get defensive over.

Then i tell them to just shut up and stop talking to me.

It’s a waste of my time, and it gets me annoyed because it’s stupid to me.

But if it’s a good case, something that means something to them and that I see if its something worth talking about then I’ll listen. 

With friends and shit they do that they have no knowledge annoys me and makes me distant.

It used to piss me off, but now, I don’t even care, I’ll just see em when I see em, save my energy, and it’s mutual. 

As long as we know we’re good, and not hating each other it doesn’t matter when we kick it. 

Before I’d get butthurt now I’m like fuck it.

Girls are not even a second thought anymore.

They’re like a miscellaneous objective that I can pick up on later, right now I’m focused on me. 

Sometimes though, a girl make me pause and wonder but if i see a bad sign then hell no. 

I care about a lot less…

As long as I’m comfortable I’m good.

Before I wanted a new car, big ass apartment, a bad bitch and money like crazy.

Now not so much. 

just everything is just a lot more simpler. 

I feel different and just look at shit different now .

I don’t trip out on shit anymore.

Feb, she hits me up…

texts me saying she hopes I’m doing well. 

I text her saying oh you’re alive i see.

she lol’s

i’m serious.

i then want to talk to her right away she says i’m sick, i call her, she answers wow you didn’t believe me?

no..i just wanted to talk to you..

i ask why did you text me marilyn…

she says I don’t know…

is it over between you and him..

i really don’t want to talk about that right now rasan…

fine.

later i text her saying we should catch up..she says she’ll hit me up that weekend.

She never did.

And I never did.

I haven’t spoken to her since then. 

I deleted her from facebook because I couldn’t stand seeing her face, getting prettier everyday.

I wished she was ugly as fuck so I could just be like HA this is who i was trippin on?

but nah she isn’t even close to ugly…

and the fact that she isn’t a virgin anymore…that shit bothers me because i know someone is trying to tap it or already has.

and i know i do my own shit too but i’d rather be having sex with her in a relationship that is going good. 

and today i hit her up, no response..idk if she changed her number or if she’s mad at me for deleting her..

but imma try a couple more times, and imma ask her two questions.

Because I need a peace of mind.

Do you just want to be friends?

or do you want to try and get together?

if she says just friends, i will.

if she says try and it doesn’t work, well i’ll never talk to her afterwards.

If i never talk to her again and she never hits me up. 

I’ll just delete her number. and forget her

unless fate brings her back into my life again.

January 1st 2012 new years night.

before this night, i got my hand sliced open, cutting my thumb wide open, severing a tendon and nerve. I had surgery and was in a splint, and i was home this night.

M. calls…..needs me to pick her up. Sounds scared. I worry jump out of bed and get my car and pick her up…

I pick her up in burbank she runs to my car terrified.

I know what happened. He was tripping, scared her, that piece of shit.

I can’t help but blame myself because I know if i never went with melanie, all this shit…would have never happened.

M. fills me in, tells me he pretty much disrespected her, treated her like shit and she ran away and he chased her.

She starts to cry, and my eyes start to burn. 

I can’t help but blame myself for this, but i know this shit wasn’t my fault, but if i didn’t get with melanie this would have never happened to M. I would never do this to her.

She says she sorry.

We get to her house, i tell her she can stay in the car until she’s calm. 

I can’t even look at her face…because I wouldn’t be able to stand to see her cry. 

She looks at my splint, tells me shit…i’m so sorry i made you drive with that…it’s really bad huh?

yea…

I thought you wouldn’t have picked up…i thought you’d be in san francisco or something.

nah…

around this time, i had a lot of time to sit back and think, i believe in fate, and now i was sitting in my car looking at this situation.

If i never cut my hand open i would’ve been at a party having sex with a old co-worker and wouldn’t have cared about anything else but tapping it. 

and never answered M.

Or i could have been in san fran or drunk at my apartment with my friends…

This was the moment when i realized, it’s been 3 years..today was january 1st 2012, I met her in 2009 and we kept finding our way to each other.

for 3 years…and here i am, after saying to my friend i didn’t want to see M. again.

here I am, to her rescue because i didn’t want to find out she was killed or stuck out in the middle of burbank..

I tell her.

“I don’t why this always happens to us…we always come back into each others lives.” 

She says” i know…it’s God keeping us in each others lives…i really thought you wouldn’t answer my call…i know you were mad at me for that phone call..”

“I did it because it was the right thing to do, I guess i care about you. I have this shit on my hand and yea im still a lil mad..”

“And you still came”

“yea”

I still came because i was compelled to. 

I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I love her. I don’t what the fuck it is.

But all i know is that even right now as I type this cheesy ass journal entry, i’m waiting on her response from a text message I sent because i’ve been going nuts today thinking about whether she wanted me or not.

I need a peace of mind. 

That night we talked, she told me everything…how she cheated on him…had a one night stand.

usually when i was 18, or 19, that would piss me off

but now that i was 20, stopped giving a shit about things, and i had my heartbroken, and i lost my virginity i understood.

we talked till 4am. 

She gave me a hug after she was ready to leave. 

A hug that i will never forget because…it felt like she didn’t want to let me go, that she felt safe, and that he wouldn’t find her if she was with me.

She pressed her head into my chest, and rubbed her head against my chin afterwards. 

I swear to God….i never wanted to kiss her so much until that moment. 

she walked out of the car. 

Later…i text her checking up on her, and she got back with him….idk why..i didn’t care, i never talked to her again.

until feb of this year..

I found out she was with someone officially fall semester of 2011. 

I also found out i couldn’t join the military and was stuck here, with my heart broken by the bitch and going to valley to see that bitch and marilyn at the same time around campus.

Sucked ass. 

but anyways

she tells me she has a boyfriend now.

i don’t talk too much to her because i feel guilty and fucking stupid for not getting with her the obvious choice. 

She says here he comes if you want to meet him and I say nah i’m good, i walk away and go to my class.

weeks later, i see her alone, go up to talk to her, “hey wassup.”

“nothing much, can i ask you a quick question?”

“yea go for it”

“are you still a virgin”

i laugh and smile and look at her…then my smile goes away..

“you’re not huh?”

no rasan, are you a virgin or no? 

yes i am, you lost it?

“yea.” she looks away embarrassed.

“oh shit.”

“i wanted to get it out the way you know, i’ve only done it twice”

my heart dropped, was like fuck. I really fucked up, but oh well. 

weeks go on, i avoid her, ignore her, just try to forget, because there’s no point in regretting shit. 

Then one night while i’m getting drunk with my dudes, kickin it my phone rings and it’s her.

I answer, she sounds like she’s crying. 

“Rasan! Tell him how much I love him!”

are you serious right now M….really? why did you call me for this i think in my head..

“Tell him Rasan! Please.”

She’s drunk as shit…and i find out she’s in love with this guy. 

He takes the phone and i talk him down apparently he went through her phone and wanted to know why all these guys are trying to talk to her, insecure bullshit..

i get it done hang up and get my shit and leave my dudes.

She talks to me in person or on the phone i don’t remember and tells me sorry and what did she say, i told her and she just says shit..yea i’m sorry.

(Yea i’m sorry too bitch, callin me for that you and you know how i feel. the fuck man, but now i guess i really lost my chance huh) i think.

Most of that semester was just me avoiding her and melanie.

I drop all my classes around the end of october or mid november. Get a new job and move on. 

M. would hit me up sometimes but was still with the guy so idk if she was conflicted or what. But i got tired and just stopped talking to her.

So around this time last year, I was planning on joining the military. 

I was on my way to it.

On saturdays I had stats, and melanie had college algebra. 

We saw each other and immediately started to talk. i remember…

We hugged each other and I said in a low voice…I missed you so much…

she giggled and hugged tighter. 

The rest is just history, we started to talk, catch up. 

But I was a lil more cautious. 

I then saw M. the following week. 

I offered her a ride and we started to talk a little bit and shit. 

Saw her talk to some dude, I wasn’t jealous but she already knew, that I was hating on the dude, and she didn’t really care much for him. So she left him hanging. 

came with me. don’t remember what else happened but once again we didn’t talk too much. 

Then when joining the military became solid, I started to make my moves to go into the military. 

I went to my best friends house, and me and him started to walk around and we went to the park.

I walk by a red car and M. is in there with that dude I saw her with and i just roll my eyes and keep walking and she see’s me and texts me.

Where’d you go why’d you leave?? You didn’t even say hi.

I said well you look occupied.

She said i needed you to take me away from him he’s trying to get at me and i’m not interested blah blah blah.

Then i tell her my bad, but i need to tell you something. Thought you should know.

Get home to my homeboys house, and call her.

I tell her, i’m going to the military. And she says

Shut the fuck up…RASAN really?? Why??, This is so crazy…

me:why?

M.: because this isn’t like you..omg, wow. Rasan it’s like me telling you out of nowhere i want to move to las vegas and become a stripper! 

me: lol damn yea true but yea this is what i want..

Eventually we talk more…and she finally tells me that if i am going she has to tell me something too.

her: I like you.

me: you wait to tell me now? 

her: yea, well yea.

me: in my head: fuck…and i’m starting to talk to melanie. 

we talk about this more, about how much i like her and how much she likes me. Gay shit. 

Tell her we should try it. 

That maybe we should get together and just do it for once, and since we’re virgins it’s even better no pressure. 

A week goes by of us flirting and talking to each other.

Melanie texts me wondering why i’ve been M.I.A.

This is where I fucked up and made the worst decision of my entire love life so far..

I hangout with melanie, try to just act like friends…end up going to my house..we hookup.

In my head: Fuck….(marilyn…)

long story short…

I end up going back with melanie…tell marilyn i’m so sorry but we can still talk she says no! 

never talked again..

i break up with melanie again..

and hit up marilyn like a dumbass and that’s when i get the answer that i really lost my chance. 

She’s with someone.